What makes a friend?
My definition of a friend has molded significantly in the last 10 years. A huge shift in my definition of a friend had to do with my trauma response to losing my grandparents, friendships and my fathers death. Learning about trauma responses and what trauma looks like has been a huge part of my healing process, which will continue to be a lifelong journey. I would like to credit all of my professors, supervisors, friends, teachers from trainings, my therapist and Dr. Nicole LePera. There are countless other folks that continue to help me heal as well as many readings.
I recently had my first experience of a new friend asking me for advice on what a friend was, which prompted the journey of me asking myself the question: what is a friend? Although I’m not sure I have the answer yet or that I ever will, I could speak from my experience. I have grieved friendship loss in the same way I grieved my fathers death. Lost friends showing up in dreams, wanting to text them even though I knew it wasn’t in my best interest or being angry at the severed ties.
Understanding what a secure relationship (romantic or otherwise) looks like is different for everyone and, for me, was largely influenced by my upbringing. I believe upbringing and modeled behaviors play a huge part in how people relate to others. Here are a few different examples and behaviors of relational styles:
Someone with an anxious relational style is likely to drop everything and their needs to please others. They may constantly check their phone. They may have 5,000 sticky note reminders to reach out to friends and family. They may have their calendar filled to the brim with appointments to ‘catch up’ or ‘network’. As you may notice there are some of the same behaviors and traits relating to the fawning trauma response.
Someone with an avoidant relational style has an automatic response to avoid others. They may look at most text messages and not respond. They may constantly be rescheduling or cancelling plans. I see lots of similarities to the freeze trauma response.
Lastly, there’s he secure relational style. I think it important to not idealize the ‘secure’ relational style. Many of us that have a background of trauma tend to gravitate heavily towards anything that is better than our trauma’s. Rather, secure relational style is something we all can continue to check in with when we’re having trouble with our friendships. Ask yourselves if meet the needs listed in the link above.
With any of these styles I believe it important to hold grace with yourself. Life is fluid and we are never married to any particular concept - especially if that concept is provoking more anxiety, shame or grief.
SO - what makes a friend? A friend is someone who supports you regardless of your decisions. A friend is someone who loves you unconditionally. A friend is someone that doesn’t require expectations and you don’t expect anything from them. That’s where I am at in my life and I encourage you to ask yourself: what makes a good friend?
Big love to you all.
-Callie
