Transition

It’s a little over a week since I’ve graduated with my Master’s Degree. I identify as someone who needs to be moving and doing. Unfortunately, I often measure my worth around my productivity. This has caused me strife and relational tension and has allowed me for many amazing opportunities. My partner often says, “Callie, I need you to take it from here to here”, while moving his hand from above his head to below his belly button. However, I did just complete a masters degree, a ton of trainings, 20 hr/week practicum, 20-30 hours a week working, volunteering for music organizations and obtaining a grant from Arts Missoula. So it’s not all bad. Hence, the and.

In the mental health world right now it’s common to hear people replace the word but with and. This calls recognition to the idea that two things can often coexist at once and things don’t have to be oppositional or negate the other. I feel this is appropriate to bring this idea to transition times.

Personally, graduating has been extremely bitter sweet for me. I’m excited to be entering the world of private practice and I’m nervous. If I were to have used the word but where and lies it could imply that the nervousness out-ways the excitement. However, they stand to exist within this body at the same time. Think: cookies and cream, peanut butter and jelly, coffee and cream… you get the idea.

Transition times where I’m not doing as much often brings attention to the ambivalence, limbo land and uncertainty that the future can hold. We all mastered limbo land during the Rona, right? However, uncertainty and ambivalence still sneaks up during times in our lives where our worldview is changing. This might look like divorce, marriage, break ups, new love, job change, change from being a couple to having kids, change from kids moving out of the house, death, life or any other life transition time you may be facing at any given moment. AND ambivalence isn’t always a bad thing. When you have these times of transition it creates time for your true emotions to flow through rather than to get stuck within your body because you’re so busy distracting yourself with work, homework and the next thing on your calendar.

In times of transitions it’s important to find places to turn to to process what’s happening for you. Here are some things you may consider for to better understand your transition:

• Therapy - Having a third party that is fresh to your situation can help you to gain understanding and move through transition times. There is no right or wrong way to move through transition times, unless you’re causing harm to yourself or others.

• Moving your body - some call this exercise, however, when worded as exercise I feel that can imply a level of shame. I feel it’s more important to play and find ways to move your body that are fun and specific to you. Such as hiking, dancing around the kitchen, running, walking around the neighborhood and picking out your favorite house, walking through the woods and comparing textures of the leaves, racing friends or family to the end of the block.

• Creating - this can look different for everyone. Organizing the house is my new favorite way to create. I make a big big mess and pull everything out of a drawer or shelf and put it all back so it looks new, neat and tidy. Many turn to making music, writing poetry or making art. When creating in this way I feel it important to remove your “thinking” brain. Create just to create and get into a flow state.

• Anything that turns your brains chatterbox off - there are SO many amazing podcasts out there with breathing exercises that are free. I like Wim Hof breathing techniques because they tend to energize me more than others. However, if you’re trying to wind down for bed or relax there are many wherever you stream. I encourage you to “shop around” and find one that works for you. Being in radio, I find some voices annoy me or the speed is too slow or too fast. Those are some things you might notice when you’re searching.

And now - off we go into the new transition time! I’ll hopefully be able to start seeing clients at the end of the summer, so if you know of anyone looking for therapy - I’m your gal. Hopefully, I’ll be able to do the first meeting for free.

All my love and best to you in looking at whatever transition you’re currently facing at this time.

What makes a friend?

My definition of a friend has molded significantly in the last 10 years. A huge shift in my definition of a friend had to do with my trauma response to losing my grandparents, friendships and my fathers death. Learning about trauma responses and what trauma looks like has been a huge part of my healing process, which will continue to be a lifelong journey. I would like to credit all of my professors, supervisors, friends, teachers from trainings, my therapist and Dr. Nicole LePera. There are countless other folks that continue to help me heal as well as many readings.

I recently had my first experience of a new friend asking me for advice on what a friend was, which prompted the journey of me asking myself the question: what is a friend? Although I’m not sure I have the answer yet or that I ever will, I could speak from my experience. I have grieved friendship loss in the same way I grieved my fathers death. Lost friends showing up in dreams, wanting to text them even though I knew it wasn’t in my best interest or being angry at the severed ties.

Understanding what a secure relationship (romantic or otherwise) looks like is different for everyone and, for me, was largely influenced by my upbringing. I believe upbringing and modeled behaviors play a huge part in how people relate to others. Here are a few different examples and behaviors of relational styles:

• Someone with an anxious relational style is likely to drop everything and their needs to please others. They may constantly check their phone. They may have 5,000 sticky note reminders to reach out to friends and family. They may have their calendar filled to the brim with appointments to ‘catch up’ or ‘network’. As you may notice there are some of the same behaviors and traits relating to the fawning trauma response.

• Someone with an avoidant relational style has an automatic response to avoid others. They may look at most text messages and not respond. They may constantly be rescheduling or cancelling plans. I see lots of similarities to the freeze trauma response.

• Lastly, there’s he secure relational style. I think it important to not idealize the ‘secure’ relational style. Many of us that have a background of trauma tend to gravitate heavily towards anything that is better than our trauma’s. Rather, secure relational style is something we all can continue to check in with when we’re having trouble with our friendships. Ask yourselves if meet the needs listed in the link above.

With any of these styles I believe it important to hold grace with yourself. Life is fluid and we are never married to any particular concept - especially if that concept is provoking more anxiety, shame or grief.

SO - what makes a friend? A friend is someone who supports you regardless of your decisions. A friend is someone who loves you unconditionally. A friend is someone that doesn’t require expectations and you don’t expect anything from them. That’s where I am at in my life and I encourage you to ask yourself: what makes a good friend?

Big love to you all.

-Callie

Overcoming fear

I used to live in downtown Missoula. In Montana it’s known that you can leave doors open and walk around downtown at any time of day and night. I once had a friend ask me “Don’t you ever get scared walking home?” To which I thought to myself:

“What will be, will be. I am strong both physically and mentally and this will protect me.”

This is a motto I live by and one that eases my anxiety when it’s high. I know it’s not always that cut and dry, but it has been one to help me to overcome fears when I feel my fear-based anxiety creeping in!

I started at Montana Public Radio in 2019 with the idea in mind that I wouldn’t talk on air. I would pre-record, but not talk on air. A year and half later, I have announced fire evacuations, let Montanan’s know what’s going on with our fickle mountain weather and produced 3 shows!

Fear is something that we all have within us and for most it goes hand in hand with anxiety. Sometimes it’s there for a reason and sometimes it holds us back. I made a decision a long time ago that I wasn’t going to let my anxiety hold me back.